


Like Never Before

by Artificial Pichitinha (Pichitinha)



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Cliche, F/F, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Lesbian AU, Light Angst, and some other people are mentioned I guess, clueless Katya, girl au, it has a lot of tropes but none of them are actually The Plot TM, violet peral alyssa kim also have a couple of lines
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-31
Updated: 2017-12-31
Packaged: 2019-02-24 09:21:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13210746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pichitinha/pseuds/Artificial%20Pichitinha
Summary: She felt like it was just them in the entire world, too, she felt content and complete in being only with Trixie and being able to kiss her freely and be kissed back.In which Katya loves Trixie, but doesn't understand what that means yet.





	Like Never Before

**Author's Note:**

> Ok so this is just a self-indulgent piece of fic that was born out of one angst scene that I managed to translate into 11k of clueless Katya with a happy ending on top. It features what could be considered elements of college AU (as in: they're in college), Friends with Benefits AU, etc, etc, etc. None of it is the main plot thought. It's Cis Girl Lesbian AU and it features a few more mature scenes but no real actual smut I guess.
> 
> Also I wanna say a big thanks to my dear and amazing [Soulmate](http://notagoodplace4gods.tumblr.com/) because she's the best and read this twice and encouraged me a lot, and also to [Rosie](https://crackerdyke.tumblr.com/) for being the most amazing person and reading and editing and commenting this and killing this poor fangirl with kindness. <3

"You staying?" Katya whispers to Trixie at the corner of the room when she is sure none of their friends are paying attention to them.

Trixie nods. "I think so, I just need a viable excuse to my side of the group."

Katya nods back, looking around the room to see what exactly they are dealing with. When she'd met Trixie a year and a half back she never thought that her friends would become friends with Trixie, or that Trixie would become friends with her friends, or that their friends would become friends with each other. She never even thought she and Trixie would end up being friends, if she's honest. The theater group was known by the entire university as annoying and obnoxious and even though Katya has never been one for pre judging, she was worried about working with Trixie on an interdisciplinary project when the partner groups were assigned. They clicked immediately, though, and it hadn't taken long for their friendship to be such a real and solid thing in their lives that they started meeting each others friends and then they started meeting each other and then suddenly they had this little group that was practically a tight-knit family, really, and Katya loves all of them.

But they still have a closer friendship to the people that they brought in to the mix, such as Alaska to Katya, one of the people she trusts the most in the world and tells almost everything to. Not everyone in the group is there today, since this isn’t the "official" saturday that they have every month which everyone attends, so from Trixie's side she can see Shea, Kim and Jinkx only.

Katya keeps her eyes on the room, wondering briefly if they'll need excuses for her side of the group which today consists of Alaska, Sasha and Ginger, as she plans with Trixie. "Okay, so Shea knows right?" Trixie nods and she can see from the corner of her eye. "Well, Jinkx seems pretty drunk so we can trust Kim and Shea to have to take her home, right? Just tell Kim I have a few french books to find to lend to you and that you'll go home after that, that they should help Jinkx."

"Yeah, that seems fine. Kim's a little tipsy as well and she gets really tired when she drinks, so she'll probably just take the opportunity to leave."

"Ginger might be a problem, though," Katya says with raised eyebrows at the small woman engaged in a conversation with said tipsy Kim.

"Just tell her to fuck off."

Katya smiles and looks back at Trixie. "Fair."

It takes less effort than they expected when it’s time for everyone to go back to their places. They don’t leave collectively so no one bats an eye at Trixie's staying, specially considering that the very last one is Alaska so all she does is wink at them.

Katya closes the door behind her friend and now it's just her and Trixie and suddenly it's just very domestic. The radio is still on in the background, but with the house empty the songs seem a lot louder, Katya's playlist of favorite songs keeping them entertained without conversation for a while. Trixie helps her gather the glasses and plates scattered around and they cross each other in the kitchen as they're carrying everything back to the sink or the trash can and it's so very natural so touch each other's waists as they do so, to squeeze biceps and even slap Trixie's butt once from Katya's side.

When they retreat to the bedroom after brushing their teeth side by side in front of the mirror - which is totally normal for two best friends, right? - Katya's laughing at something Trixie said and it's with ease that she lays down on the middle of the bed and Trixie straddles her lap.

They kiss softly and then strongly and her hands caress and dig into Trixie's thick tights because she can't get enough of them, can't get enough of Trixie, really, and she's so thankful that their proximity allows for this, allows for her to have these moments with her best friend because she treasures them so much, the moans and gasps that Trixie makes as her hands travel down and touch her, when it's just them and Trixie's mouth on her makes her forget that there's anything outside of the bedroom.

She also treasures the soft moments they share afterwards, when they're naked and tangled and there's a dim light filtering through the drapes that makes shadows on Trixie's figure as they speak quietly about whatever they want, really, because they never seem to run out of things to say, whether it's important or just comical nonsense.

They fall asleep slowly and with easy breathing, and Katya never sleeps better than when Trixie's by her side. She doesn't dream as much, doesn't struggle, and always manages to sleep in a little when Trixie’s body is by her side. So she wakes up the next morning feeling rested, which doesn't happen often, and can hear the sounds of Trixie making breakfast. It's rare that Trixie is up before she is, but she's glad for her presence in the house.

She grabs her phone from the bedside table by the side Trixie slept in - she must have forgotten to put it to charge on her side the night before - so she can look at the time and there's a message from Violet. It just says _hey, are we still up for tonight?_ , and Katya had all but forgotten about their study date, but she replies quickly with a yes and gets up when she sees that it's almost nine already.

"Good morning," she says in greeting with a smile as she enters the kitchen and sees Trixie is making some eggs.

"Morning," Trixie replies easily, but doesn't look at her. Trixie's usually slow in the morning, so Katya figures she's just not fully up yet.

She moves behind her and places a tiny kiss on her shoulder, as she usually does when Trixie spends the night. Normally Trixie just leans closer to her and sighs, but this time she sort of gasps and her frame seems to freeze a little. Katya's eyebrows shoot up.

"Everything okay?"

Trixie's eyes never falter from the stove where the eggs seem to be fully cooked already, and Katya wonders what could possibly have happened for Trixie's mood to falter. The previous night had been nothing but wonderful and both went to sleep with an easy smile on their lips.

"Yeah, just woke up with a little headache. And I have a bunch things to do today, so I'm not really looking forward to doing that in pain."

She sounds extremely convincing as she says it, so Katya wonders why she's not fully believing her. Still, she lets go. Whatever it is, if it even is something, Trixie clearly doesn't want to talk about it.

Katya is put out of her thoughts by the toaster and she jumps a little at the scare. Trixie lets out a tiny laugh at that, and Katya smiles.

They move to the tiny table that Katya has right outside the kitchen, almost in the living room, and sit quietly for the first couple of minutes. Trixie has both of her hands on the cup of coffee, the food on her plate going cold as she seems to contemplate something.

"So, this girl in my dramatic literature class asked me out yesterday," she says casually as she idly moves some of the scrambled eggs on top of her toast, cutting a tiny piece and eating it with her fork once she's finished speaking.

"Really? What's her name? Is she cute?"

Trixie meets her gaze then, and keeps their eyes locked as she finishes chewing, somewhat slowly if Katya's being honest. Once she swallows it almost looks like she sighs before her gaze falls down again.

"Clara. I guess she is." She shrugs, her eyes still glued to her plate.

"Tell me how it goes, then," Katya says, unsure of what exactly she's supposed to say. Trixie gets into these weird moods sometimes and Katya's always at a loss.

"Yeah," is all Trixie replies with, eyes still meticulously fixated on her food.

They finish eating in silence and as soon as her plate is clean Trixie's putting on her clothes from the day before and moving to the door. When Katya leans up to peck her goodbye, Trixie does so as quickly as she possibly can, and then she's out the door with nothing more than a "bye".

Katya hopes that whatever's going on with her, will pass.

*

"Do you think I should get a girlfriend?" Katya asks out of the blue as Alaska is picking up this weird looking blouse from the rack and Katya's sure she was about to say _it looks like one of your stupid outfits_ and she'd be absolutely right, it does.

"Uh, sorry?" Alaska asks, clearly confused.

"A girlfriend. I feel like it's part of the college experience, getting one of those?"

"I think you misunderstood, kissing girls is part of the college experience," Alaska jokes.

"Oh yeah, because I definitely didn't do that before college," Katya quips back. Alaska laughs. "Anyway, one of my teachers said the other day that you should do these things when you're in college. Kiss, fuck around, get a boyfriend. I don't want a boyfriend obviously but maybe I could try the nicer possibility?"

"Right, 'cause that's a proper reason to be in a relationship with someone."

Katya rolls her eyes and snatches the blouse from Alaska's hands. She hopes she's too distracted by their conversation to mention she thinks it's horrible. "I just mean that maybe I should give it a try. Lots of people do it, it's gotta be fun?"

Alaska stops and looks at Katya like she's trying to see her soul. "You know that people do it because they like commitment, right?"

Katya shrugs. "And?"

Alaska considers her then, opens her mouth and then closes it at least three times before taking an exasperated deep breath. "Who do you have in mind?"

Katya shrugs. "How would I know? A girl? Any girl? I mean, not any girl of course, a girl who is into girls and who is not in a relationship. But that's it, mostly."

Alaska nods then, her eyebrows raised as if she’s mocking her and Katya really doesn't understand but doesn't really want to push it either.

They walk through three more racks from which Katya picks dresses that Alaska reads to filth and Katya decides to keep them all before they go back to not talking about clothes.

"So," Alaska starts after cleaning her throat. "How's Trixie?"

Katya blinks in confusion. "Fine? Why are you asking me?"

Alaska rolls her eyes and sighs in exasperation. It's almost comical, except Katya doesn't get what Alaska is all worked up about.

"God, you are such a _moron_."

"Usually I'd agree, but why in particular this time?"

Alaska keeps looking through the clothes and gives her just once glance. Then she shakes her head and laughs dismissively. "These stupid clothes you're buying."

Katya laughs and joins her again in trying to find more dresses, drops the subject even though she knows Alaska was deflecting. She doesn't know why, doesn't want to dwell on it, so she goes back to enjoying a fun afternoon out with her friend.

*

Katya is not blind to the fact that she and Trixie are maybe a little bit careless. Their friendship had been so intense and so fast from the very beginning that when the lines between friendship and physical attraction started to mesh into one it was hard to discern and to watch themselves near their friends, who were already used to their closeness. But maybe there is such a thing as too close, because apparently that's what they are now. Katya is not sure as to how this happened but she can't really help herself when Trixie's there, touching her seamlessly whenever they cross paths or smiling when their eyes meet. She doesn't do it on purpose, she doesn't even really notice it's happening, if she's honest.

So, yes, Ginger's words shock her a little. "Girl, you know you don't need to hide a relationship from me, right?"

She stops in the middle of the empty sidewalk to answer because she doesn't trust herself that much. "What?"

"You and Trixie. You don't need to hide it. I know Trixie and I had our differences at some point, but I know how much she means to you. And it's not like we don't know you guys are gay, we're all super gay, Katya."

Katya laughs a little at that, but more out of nervousness than anything. She and Trixie had explicitly decided to only tell about their arrangement to two people. She can't betray that.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Right. So you and Trixie are not dating?"

Ginger is looking fiercely at her as she asks this because she knows how terrible of a liar Katya is. Knows that Katya would never be able to fool her when they're looking face to face.

Still, Ginger has made is absolutely possible for Katya to tell her no. Because they _aren't_. Some might argue that loopholes are vile. Katya doesn't care.

"No," she says sincerely because it's _true_. It comes out steady, honest, and Ginger actually raises her eyebrows a little.

"Really? Wow. I really thought you were."

She starts walking again, clearly frustrated that she had been wrong - Ginger's not a big fan of being incorrect - but Katya's still glued to her spot for a few more seconds. She's glad Ginger's convinced and that she let it go, doesn't want to have to lie or to even say _I can't tell you_.

Still, she's taken aback at the certainty she had that Katya and Trixie are together. Do they give off that vibe? Do they really not hide their _thing_ at all to the point that people thing that they are an actual real couple in a relationship?

Ginger doesn't notice her tardiness in joining back nor Katya's discomfort at their exchange.

Katya considers asking Ginger why she thought that. She's not entirely sure she wants to know, though.

She lets it go.

*

"Someone's getting cosy." The heavy accented voice of Alyssa Edwards reaches Katya's ears and she realizes she and Trixie have gotten really close on the sofa as they whispered to each other. Katya looks around for a moment, worried Alyssa will have drawn attention and that everyone's eyes will be on them, but no one's are. She then laughs dismissively and gets up.

"I was actually about to go light a cigarette. Be right back, Trix," she promises Trixie who smiles and nods.

She goes to the kitchen so she can grab her pack and leave through the front door, but remembers she smoked her last cigarette that morning. She usually has an emergency pack on the kitchen cabinet so she goes inside the little walk-in closet to check. She finds it, at the back, but as she turns to leave she realizes she managed to get herself stuck in there. The door's been creakiing for ages, she should've done something by now.

She hears Trixie and Shea's laughter getting close to the kitchen and can see the both of them getting some water from the tap when they enter. She could ask for help, but she decides to save herself the embarrassment. She could probably free herself with a few different twists on the door, so she'll just wait until they leave so she doesn't have an audience as she leaves the closet.

She doesn't mean to eavesdrop, really. She figured they'd be out in a second, but then they start talking about a particular class and one of their classmates and then suddenly Katya has been in there for too long to make herself known.

And that's when the conversation starts shifting, and she wishes she had.

"Maybe if you ask Sasha out we'll see," Trixie replies light heartedly to some comment from Shea, and from where they stand Katya has a perfect view of Shea's face. Trixie has her back to her, only her hair in a perfect ponytail and her shoulders showing, but Shea’s expression is in clear sight to her through the closet's wood, and Katya can clearly see the way her demeanor changes.

"Well, if you're entering that territory, let's enter."

"If you mean your love life, _yes_ ," Trixie replies and Katya can hear the joke in her voice, but she knows Trixie well enough to know she has also noticed the change in her best friend.

"I meant love lives in general. But more specifically _yours_ ," Shea says pointedly.

Trixie is quiet for a few seconds, bringing her glass of water to her lips as if to keep busy. "There's nothing to discuss about my love life."

" _Trixie_ ," Shea tries again, more worried this time, and all it does is cause Trixie to turn so her side is facing Shea - and the other side, therefore, facing Katya. Even with only half her face in view Katya can see she is distressed. She’s confused at that, because she and Trixie talk about everything, and to Katya’s knowledge Trixie isn’t seeing or even interested in anybody. She remembers her mentioning a girl, a couple months before, but she doesn’t think it went anywhere because she never addressed it again. "You know I'm only asking because I worry about you." Shea sounds sincere and like she _knows_ something and Katya feels uncomfortable at the idea that she doesn’t know what’s going with Trixie.

Trixie is quick to reply, her voice sure but her tone untrue. "There's nothing to be worried about, I'm fine."

"You cannot be fine when what you're doing is so incredibly unhealthy." What _is_ she doing? How is Katya not seeing that Trixie is going through something?

Trixie snorts a little. "Right, because you've never had a friend with benefits before." Katya freezes in her place, the words ringing in her ears. _She_ is Trixie’s friend with benefits.

"Except that's not what this is and you know it, Trixie," Shea cuts in.

Trixie's lips form a thin line and Katya doesn't miss the way her knuckles clutch the sink. That’s when she notices her own fingers are digging in her palms, her short cut nails marking her skin.

"Does Katya know, Trixie?"

Katya's heartbeat increases even further at that. Does she know what?

"She doesn't have to know."

The idea that Trixie is keeping secrets from her is an overall hurtful one, and hearing it so plainly is alarming. Still what really gets her heart in a twist is the hurt in Trixie’s voice as she says it.

"No, she doesn't,” Shea agrees, eyes sad. “But it's not fair to either of you that she's hurting you without even knowing it."

Hurt Trixie? Katya would never. What the _fuck_.

"She's not hurting me," Trixie says through gritted teeth, and Katya can tell immediately that she's lying. Her heart sinks to her stomach at the implications of that.

"I'm sure she's not. When you're here or when she's spending the night at your place and you guys fuck and act all domestic and it's just the two of you, I'm sure she's not. But how do you feel the nights when she isn't with you and you know she's fucking someone else? What do you think of the other women she takes to her apartment, maybe she's romantic with them as well. Maybe she kisses them on the shoulder as they're making breakfast, too. Maybe you're not even the only one she has this sort of arrangement with. Does that not hurt you, Trixie?"

Katya’s heart is so fast on her chest that she can feel herself vibrating. Deep down in her stomach she feels like she knows what’s going on, but she’s too focused on the scene and the words playing in front of her to fully think it through. She’s scared and she doesn’t know why.

"Stop," Trixie whispers. Her eyes are closed but Katya can still clearly see the path that a tear makes at Shea's outburst. Her hands are still holding the sink and her arms are shaking. Katya feels like all the air has been punched out of her chest. "Katya is free to do whatever she wants and I don't have to think about that. That's the kind of person she is, the kind that doesn't get attached and that doesn't do relationships and that sleeps around. I’ve always known that."

"But you still fell for her."

Katya's intake of breath is so loud that it's a miracle they don't hear her.

_Oh no_.

"And you are not like that,” Shea continues at Trixie’s silence. “You like promises, and dates, and monogamy, and anniversaries and everything else in that package. You _deserve_ that, Trixie, because you are honestly _so amazing_."

She is and Katya feels choked up at what she's hearing, at what she's taking from Trixie who deserves so much more than what she's offering. Trixie is by far the most amazing and wonderful person that Katya has ever met, she deserves absolutely everything that she wants because she is _so good_. It blows Katya away, sometimes, that she has a best friend that is like that and that doesn’t judge her for her past and the things she’s done. It makes her sick that apparently she’s once again fucking up.

"But I want Katya and all she can give me is this. So I'm taking it, okay, it's my choice."

Katya doesn’t deserve this devotion. And Trixie deserves more than that.

"Is it worth it, Trixie? A few hours of fun, of _secret_ fun, to days of pretending that there's nothing going on and watching her flirt with other people, wondering what she's doing when you're not there?"

Trixie is quiet of a moment, and it's then that Katya realizes her own eyes have tears as well.

"I can't give her up, Shea. I'm in too deep in this, I can't… She's different, when we're all alone. She makes me feel… _special_ . And I know that's a cliche or whatever, but you'd understand okay, because the way she treats me when it's just us, it feels like it really is just us in the entire world. I can pretend that it is, for a couple of hours. That it's real and that I have _it_."

"Don't you want to feel like that all the time?" Shea still tries, but given her tone it's clear she knows this conversation is over.

Trixie doesn't move and neither does Shea - or Katya for that matter. Seconds go by in which no one moves an inch. Then Trixie storms off the kitchen and leaves Shea behind, a sad look of contemplation on her face.

Then Shea turns straight into the closet and looks directly to where Katya's eyes are, even though they're hidden.

Shea knows she's there, and Katya's sure of it.

"I hope you got all of that, and I hope you do the right thing."

And with that, she leaves.

Katya finally lets herself sob into her hand.

*

It's been four days since Katya's party and it's been four days she hasn't talked to Trixie. This is the longest they've gone without talking since they met and Trixie has not stopped calling or texting since then.

Trixie seems more worried about her well-being than anything, and it makes Katya feel even worse. That's the last thing she wants. Trixie has texted her saying that she's not going to her apartment because she knows that she's not in mortal danger - she's spotted her across campus twice and Sasha had reported to her saying Katya was in their shared classes - but she really wants to know if Katya is perhaps not well in a not physical sense or if she did something wrong.

The fact that Trixie is worried about having messed up somehow just eats away at Katya more. Trixie doesn't deserve any of this, doesn't deserve any of the bullshit that Katya has blindly put her through. Same as Trixie has always known how Katya is, Katya has always known how Trixie is. She knew that Trixie wasn't the meaningless sex type, knew that they weren't compatible, knew that when they slept together for the first time almost a year prior - has it _been_ that long already? - Trixie had a different idea on her mind the next morning. But Katya was still an idiot and a straight up douchebag and proceeded to not only try to make it clear without being direct that for her it was just sex, but also to try to do it again.

She's always felt bad about it, deep down. But Trixie had seemed as drawn to her as she was to Trixie and it was so hard to not want to do it again when it had been possibly the best sex Katya had ever had. This thing she has with Trixie makes Katya sort of understand relationships more because there's definitely benefits to having intimacy with someone beforehand. But she knew. Knew that Trixie didn't do this. Knew that she shouldn't. Should have known, really.

She should have known when Trixie said yes. She should have been a better person, but she had been selfish and now she can't get rid of the lump that's formed in her throat since she heard that conversation.

Not only has she failed Trixie at the prospect of a relationship, but she failed her as her best friend.

Trixie deserves so much better than her. So much better.

It is the end of the fourth day when she decides she has to at least be a decent human being and talk to Trixie. And she also has to be a decent human being and break their arrangement off. She doesn't know how she'll do it, but she has to. So before she loses her courage, she texts Trixie.

**Katya: sorry I've been mia. Can we meet tomorrow morning to talk? Coffee shop?**

It takes mere seconds for a reply to come, as if Trixie had been holding her phone hoping for a message. It breaks Katya's heart a little.

**Trixie: yes!!! 9?**

She's brief and there are no emojis, so Katya knows she's nervous. She's anxious, too, tremendously so, and she can't stop thinking about how Trixie will react. How could they possibly be okay after this? She honestly doesn’t see how to save their friendship. Her heart hurts.

**Katya: perfect.**

Katya waits for the emoji that Trixie usually sends to signify the ending of a conversation, but it never comes. She goes to bed with a heavy heart, and hopes she can sleep some of the anxiety off.

Turns out she can't, barely sleeps at all if she's honest, and drinks way too much caffeine before the sun has even properly risen. She's half an hour late, a feat that has never really happened in Katya's life because she's always up early no matter what, but she still has to refrain from patting herself on the back for not bailing. She'd thought about it, but she has no right to be proud of not doing it.

"Hi!" Trixie greets her as soon as she opens the door. "I thought you weren't coming." Trixie is nonchalantly as she says it but Katya sees on her uneasy smile that she really thought Katya would bail.

Katya's stomach turns at the thought that she almost did. Trixie does deserve better, and she's glad she's doing the right thing.

"Yeah, sorry. I miscalculated how long I'd need to get ready."

Trixie gives her a look, knows that Katya is usually up by eight no matter what and that she gets ready in fifteen minutes if she doesn't have any particular event happening. She doesn't mention it though, and Katya sort of wishes she would. If they fought, maybe, it'd be easier for Trixie. And for her. But that's not supposed to be the point so she lets go and sits down.

"It's fine." Her smile seems fake, worried, and Katya can feel her heart thumping in her chest already. "So, is everything ok?"

"Hum, yes. Sorta." Katya takes in the beverage before her as she speaks, focusing on the cup. The coffee is cold already, Trixie must have ordered it when she came in, but she drinks it anyway so she has an excuse to not look at her or speak for a moment. The bitter taste is sort of fitting to the situation.

From over the top of the cup she can see Trixie's eyebrows raising. "Something happen?"

"Not really. I just… I have something sort of uncomfortable I want to talk to you about." She can't meet Trixie's eyes no matter how hard she tries, and she feels like a coward.

They are in a far away corner of the shop and the next couple of tables are empty, so they're fairly private. Still Trixie leans in to whisper her question. "You're not… it's not STDs, right?"

Katya is certain that in almost every other possible scenario she would have laughed at the question. The fact that right now she can't find it in herself to even grin a little tells her a lot about how serious she feels. She knows it alerts Trixie as well, who shifts on her seat.

"No, no, it… it is about our arrangement though."

She finally looks up at Trixie's face and she sees her blinking, mouth a little agape. This is it.

"Uh, okay. What about it?"

"We need to stop it." Katya cuts right to the chase. Rip off the bandaid, clean cut of a knife.

Trixie freezes and Katya is sure the entire place can hear her heartbeat.

"What?"

"I don't… we shouldn't do that anymore." She’s back to not meeting Trixie's eyes, can't face the emotion in them.

Trixie seems concerned for Katya instead of sad and it's simply the worst thing that has ever happened. "Katya, if anyt-"

Katya cuts her off then, with the one thing she's sure will get the job done. "I don't want to do it anymore."

It does. Trixie's mouth falls shut and she leans back immediately, her hand on the table falling back to her lap, fidgeting.

Katya looks up for a second, only one second, and still there's no mistaking the hurt on Trixie's face. She's also confused and uncertain and Katya doesn't know how she'll answer the questions that Trixie will have for her.

They stay silent for what feels like hours, but logically Katya knows it can't be more than a couple of minutes. She wants to say something, but she doesn't know what.

"Okay," Trixie says eventually, eyes not meeting Katya's for the first time that morning.

"You know that I-"

"It's fine, Katya." Her voice is cold as she speaks, but Katya knows her well enough to see that she's only hiding her feelings with it. She's probably feeling everything that Katya never wanted Trixie to have to go through, but what other choice does she have?

Then Trixie is getting up and Katya realizes this is probably it. If Trixie leaves now, she has no idea when - _if_ \-  they would talk again. "Trix." She tries reaching her hand to hold Trixie's wrist, but she yanks it away.

"I gotta go. See you."

She's up and heading for the exit before Katya can even think about moving, and then Trixie's on the street half running away.

Katya feels tears in her eyes, knows it's stupid because she's the idiot that took all the wrong turns in this, but she can't really help it. She watches Trixie's figure get smaller and smaller until it's completely out of sight and then she drops her head to her hands.

Realistically speaking Trixie will probably talk to her once she's had time to process what happened and they can maybe sort something out. Still Katya feels it in her gut that there are no options that would be good enough.

There's no way she can salvage their friendship. Her heart aches.

*

Not a lot of people knew of their arrangement, but a lot of people _knew_. Katya supposes they'd been sloppy in a few situations, more than a few if she's being honest, not really hiding it that well. Most of their friends definitely clocked them, she decides.

But technically only two people really knew about it, Shea and Alaska. They are the only two people that Katya tells what happened, then. Alaska because she's _her_ friend and she was the one person she had decided to tell everything about this, from the beginning. Shea because she wants Trixie's best friend to know that she's trying to fix the mess she's made, wants Shea to know that she is doing what she asked.

Alaska had looked at her with pity, hugged her, and told her she was stupid. Normally Katya would be unfazed by Alaska's weirdness regarding touchy subjects, but this time it just sits uncomfortably on her stomach. Shea had been quiet for a while, concerned look in her eyes, and then sighed and shaken her head, saying _okay_. She's not sure what either response is supposed to mean, doesn't know why they're not at least a little bit happy that she's finally taking care of her messes. But she doesn't worry much about that, however, more focused on wondering why she's hurting so much even though she's finally doing things right.

No one else was supposed to know what she and Trixie did, so no one else should be aware that they weren't doing it anymore. Still, the group dynamics change is palpable. One would have to be blind to not notice how for the past nine days Trixie and Katya have not been speaking, how they're never together anymore, how Trixie avoids Katya at all costs when everyone's gathered.

"Is everything alright with you and Trixie?" Violet asks in their next _group saturday_ when they're meeting at Katya's place and Trixie is the only one from the group that doesn't show up. Her voice is quiet as she asks, but almost everyone hears it and turns towards them. Suddenly Katya is the target of every pair of eyes in the room and she's never felt more uncomfortable.

She clears her throat. "Uh, yes. We just had a little argument, that's all."

She can see both Shea and Alaska giving her pitiful looks. She's not sure what they mean, but she doesn't like it.

"Girl, you haven't spoken in over a week. It's got to be more than a little argument," Ginger snaps in and to Katya's surprised she actually looks concerned.

Katya is too stressed about it, though, can't take the nosy looks, so she sighs and gets up. "Listen, whatever happened, it's between me and Trixie. So just back off, ok."

Everyone is taken aback at her outburst: Katya’s never been one to ever get angry with her friends. She closes her eyes at their expressions, feels sick to her stomach because the room doesn't feel complete without Trixie there, and moves towards the kitchen. "I'm going for a smoke."

No one follows her, and she's glad. She's still angry, even though she doesn't know at what or who, and she wants to be alone. She's been smoking more since her conversation with Trixie, and it doesn't go unnoticed by her that Trixie is the only person who would actually complain about it to her face.

Knowing what she knows, it's hardly a surprise that Trixie is not speaking to her. It's not like she has reached out that much anyway, but she has messaged Trixie a couple times since their last conversation and has been left on read on all of them. Her heart has had this dull pain non-stop since that morning and she can't shake the feeling that she fucked things up massively, but she doesn't know what else she could have done differently. Trixie is - was? She doesn't know anymore - by far the most amazing friend she has ever had, no one is able to get her humor and handle her weirdness and just _understand_ her the way Trixie does. She loves every moment they spend together and she could never imagine not having Trixie in her life.

But that's where she is now. And she can't stop thinking about how Trixie is doing. Katya wasn't… Katya isn't _in love_ with Trixie, right? She loves Trixie, so much, Trixie is her favorite person in the world and everyone knows that, but she isn’t in love with her. And still it hurts her, not having Trixie there, thinking about the many nights they spent together, the many secret moments they shared, which Katya has to admit Trixie was right about. She felt like it was just them in the entire world, too, she felt content and complete in being only with Trixie and being able to kiss her freely and be kissed back.

And if she's hurting this much, if she misses Trixie this much, if she _hates herself_ this much, then how does Trixie feel? Is Trixie hurting like this? Is Trixie thinking about her every day like she is? Does Trixie, rightfully, hate her too? The thought makes her heart clench even further.

"You okay in there?" Katya jumps at the sudden voice behind her taking her out of her own head. "You've been gone an awful long. Time for at least ten cigarettes, already." It's Sasha, and Katya sighs in relief at that. Out of everyone in the group Sasha is the most likely to offer a helping hand without asking for any details or sticking her nose where it doesn't belong.

"Yeah, sorry. I got distracted." She's still looking out of the balcony, but soon Sasha joins her leaning against the metal frame.

"You know you can tell me what happened, right? I'm not gonna judge or tell anyone. And I won't say anything back if you don't want me to. I can just listen."

"I know." Katya nods. "You probably already know what happened, though."

Sasha shrugs. "I have a pretty good guess. But the point here is not me knowing it. It's you venting."

Katya smiles at her at that and it honestly feels like the first genuine smile she has given in ages.

"I have this feeling that I fucked up. Badly. To the point of no return. But at the same thing I know I did the right thing. And that leaves me in the middle of that damned crossroad that my demon aka miss anxiety loves to visit."

"Ok." Sasha says as she considers her. She looks so much like a wise professor, her bold bald head reminding Katya of Professor Xavier from the X-men. "How do you know it was the right thing?"

Sasha is being nothing other than completely supportive but Katya still feels a heaviness at the bottom of her stomach at the thought of talking about it.

She looks behind her to make sure they are alone and that no one can overhear them, and when she doesn't trust it that much she turns to Sasha and looks her right in the eyes.

She decides to go Russian. "You can't tell this to anyone, okay?" Sasha seems surprised at the impromptu language change. They never really do that even though Russian is technically both their mother tongue. "I'm serious. I know everyone has an idea of what happened, but just, this is private and none of anybody's business."

Sasha holds her arms up as if surrendering. "My mouth is shut, Katya, you know that."

"Ok. So, you know Trixie is like, my very best friend."

"Yes." Sasha nods.

"Well, we were sleeping together."

She looks at Sasha waiting for a reaction, but she just nods again and it sits uncomfortably in Katya's stomach. Technically she _knows_ that people are somewhat aware of that, but it's a different story to have it plainly confirmed.

"I… I found out that it was a bit more than just a _sleeping with a friend_ situation. For her, I mean."

Sasha raises one of her eyebrows at that, a sort of disbelieving look on her face. Katya doesn't know what it means but she's not fond of it.

"So I told her we should stop. Sleeping together, that is."

Katya is not looking at Sasha as she says that, can't make herself do it, so she doesn't know what she’s is thinking in the several long seconds it takes for her to give any sort of reaction.

Then she sighs.

"And you think that was the right thing to do?" There's no judgement in her voice, in fact she sounds like a teacher who just feeds you back what you just said to see if it helps you see something in your blindspot. She's super considerate and Katya actually hates it a little bit.

"Of course. That's what you do when you find out that a person has feelings for you and you don't reciprocate."

They're looking at each other again, and Sasha squints her eyes, almost scrutinizing her. She shakes her head a little, so lightly it almost goes unnoticed by Katya. "Yeah, I suppose it is."

They stay quiet for minutes after that, and then suddenly Sasha gives her an intense look and Katya feels like she can practically see her bones.

“I think you need to think about this for a little longer.” And then she goes back inside, as if what she just said makes perfect sense.

Katya doesn't know what to think after that.

*

If there's one thing Katya hates it’s feeling like a child. She hates when everyone's talking about something that she doesn't fully understand and they don't bother explaining like she's not capable of handling it.

Another thing she hates is being bothered in her home when she's not expecting and just wants to mope by herself.

So when all of her friends barge in on her late at night and proceed to act like she's out of the loop in something that involves _her_ , well, she's sort of pissed.

"Listen, you've been here for ages and you've been clearly dancing around something you want to say to me but none of you has had the guts to do so. So, come on, spill." She has her arms folded in front of her, patience running out. They seem to oddly take her seriously.

"We're just worried about you. And Trixie," Kim says after they all exchange glances as if saying _no, you go_.

Katya exasperates. "I told you guys already that we are _fine_. We'll work it out ok, it'll just take time."

"But what _happened_?" Pearl asks from the corner of the room. Much like the others she looks really concerned and Katya is trying really hard not to feel overwhelmed about how much their friends care.

"Ok, let's stop this. You guys know what happened. Drop the act."

"We know you guys had this weird thing going on, but we don't know what it was and we don't know why it stopped." Violet decides to take the lead, walking towards Katya and making her focus their eyes together. She's been the last addition to their group of friends, but she's so fearless and out there that she doesn't let it stop her. "You guys are so good together. Why did you break up?"

Katya raises her eyebrows at that. "We didn't 'break up'." She quotes with her hands. "We weren't dating."

The group is silent for a while, glances being exchanged again except for violet who is still looking her in the eyes.

"And why's that?"

"Because _no_. That's not how dating works, you have to like the person. Like she likes me, which is the whole reason we're in this mess."

She thinks Violet might slap her from the look she gives her. "But you do like her, you dumbass! You have been in love with her forever, since the day you met, probably."

She doesn't slap Katya, but she does shake her a little at the end of her sentence. She's exasperated, like she can't really believe how dumb Katya is.

"I..." Katya wants to reply, wants to say something, wants to show she's not stupid. But she doesn't know what would convey that. She's not even sure that's true. _Does_ she like Trixie? There's no way Violet could possibly know that when Katya has never even considered the possibility.

"Skinny bitch is right, everyone knows, Katya," Ginger chips in from behind Violet, and that reminds her that practically every single one of her friends - and Trixie's - are standing behind her.

"True." Sasha agrees with a nod that Katya sees as Violet moves out of the way.

"But I… I never..." How could _everyone_ know. Why were they so sure.

"Listen, we'll leave you to it so you can think about it, ok? But it's true, you do like her." Alaska approaches her and rests her hand on her shoulder, almost comforting. Their eyes meet and Katya feels like Alaska is reading her mind. She probably is. "It's clear to us because of how you look at her, how you talk about her, how you act when you're together. And if you think about it - which you will, because you need to, ok, you can't let it go anymore - just focus on how you feel when you're together. Think of how happy you are when she's by your side, of how you sort of stopped sleeping with other people. Think about how miserable you've been now that you're not speaking. Just think about that, ok?"

Katya blinks several times at her, her words already making a dent. Alaska squeezes her shoulder before letting go, and then soon everyone is leaving with soft quick goodbyes and hopeful expressions on their faces.

Katya does think about it. It's late already so she goes back to her room and as she lies down on the dark, she can't _not_ think about it.

She _has_ been miserable without Trixie. She's never moped around for someone so much before, never wished so hard she could repair a lost friendship. She misses Trixie's laugh and her quirks and how she's unpredictable when Katya tells a joke, she might add in a comment and make Katya burst into giggles, or she can give her adorable scream laugh, or she can slap Katya and tell her it was awful. And Katya loves all three options, loves everything Trixie does, really.

She loves Trixie. And that's not really a revelation, she knows she loves Trixie. But does she _love_ her? Like apparently everyone thinks she does? Like Trixie loves her and _deserves_ to be loved back?

Katya misses the intimate moments with Trixie as well. She misses the smell of Trixie's shampoo on her pillow from when she'd sleep there more than two nights in a row. She misses the dent on the bed after hours of shared sleep. Misses and warmth and weight of her body next to her, misses her kisses and moans and quiet laughter. Misses her soft whispers, her lingering looks.

Katya misses her down to her core, knows that the fact that she can't let go, that even though she thinks Trixie will never talk to her again she can't think of this situation as final, means something. She thinks about how she has other friends, good, great, _best_ friends even, and how their presence absolutely does not make up for Trixie's absence. She thinks about how long it's been since she's last had sex - which was the last time she and Trixie had sex, weeks ago - and she considers whether she wants to go out and find a stranger and take care of her horniness.

She doesn't. Because she doesn't miss sex nearly as much as she misses Trixie. As she misses sex with Trixie, too, but also morning afters and sex-less showers and just nonsense conversations on the couch.

She misses Trixie, is miserable, really, without her, and it's so clear to her now that she does love Trixie that way that it doesn't even feel like a revelation, because her whole body feels like she's known that forever. And maybe she has, maybe she just didn't want to acknowledge it.

She leaps out of bed then and gets her phone, to call, text, facetime, she doesn't know. It's two AM already but she can't sleep, she can't go another minute without _doing_ something knowing what she knows. Maybe Trixie hates her now, maybe Trixie doesn't want her anymore and won't give her the time of day, but she has to try, she has to try because Trixie deserves to at least know how much of an idiot Katya is.

She can't use her phone. She has to look in Trixie's eyes. Trixie needs to see the truth in Katya's face as she tells her she loves her, because she does. Violet's right, she probably has from the very first day, when they went to a coffee shop to work on that project but ended up hitting it off so well that Katya never even took her laptop out of her bag.

Her thoughts are frenetic as she walks and she only realizes what she's doing when she's in front of Trixie's door already. She rings the doorbell and knocks and screams for Trixie. She doesn't care it's the middle of the night, doesn't care that Trixie's neighbors might complain. Let them, Katya has something she needs to say and it's something Trixie needs to hear and she'll do it from jail if she has to.

"What the fuck," Trixie says as she opens the door, disheveled, clearly awoken by Katya's assault on her door. She's wearing a simple light blue nightgown, her face has a few marks from the sheet where it was probably pressed in and her hair is falling to all sides, the top of it tangled in what looks like a knot that will be a pain to solve. She looks beautiful and it takes Katya's breath away.

"Hi," she says and it's only then she realizes she's out of breath. Did she run there?

"Is everything ok?" Trixie looks worried, and Katya can't blame her. They haven't spoken in over two weeks and suddenly Katya's at her door in the middle of the night.

"Yeah, yeah. I mean, no accident happened, no one's hurt, everything's fine. Well, not quite. I have something urgent to talk to you about."

Trixie raises her eyebrows. "Two in the morning urgent?"

"Yes," Katya says decidedly.

"... Okay," Trixie says, suspicious. She opens the door further and moves to the side so Katya can go inside. Her apartment looks the same, really, and Katya aches again with how much she'd missed it. "Uh, I'll make us some coffee? Or tea?"

She's already moving to the kitchen, but Katya grabs her arms. "No, no, just sit down. I need to say this. Please."

Trixie nods, clearly curious and maybe a little concerned as well. She sits on one end of the couch and Katya on the other, both their legs tucked underneath them as they look at each other.

"Do you remember the last time we all hung out at my place? The last time you were there, I mean?"

Trixie nods again, waiting.

"Well. I went out for a smoke at some point, but I didn't have any more cigarettes in my pack, so I went to grab a new one on the kitchen cabinet. I went into the closet and it sort of got stuck with me inside. I was gonna try to open it but you and Shea came into the kitchen for water or something and I didn't want you to know that I'd managed to get trapped in my own closet so I just waited. I figured you'd leave quickly. I never meant to eavesdrop, Trixie."

Trixie's nodding along as Katya talks, as if she's picturing her tale. Once Katya finishes she looks like she's waiting for more, not knowing what Katya's trying to say. Than her eyes widen and her mouth drops.

"Oh my god." Her hands move to cover her lips and even though only half of her face is showing, Katya can see she looks embarrassed.

"I heard what you were talking about. About you being in love with me. About me hurting you. That… that's something that I would never, _never_ willing do, Trixie. _Never_."

"Katya-"

"No, wait, let me finish." Katya moves a little bit closer, their bodies still far, but their hands now able to touch. "I let that consume me for days. I ignored you because I was freaking out. You were - _are_ \- my best friend. I didn't want to lose you. But I couldn't keep it going knowing what I knew. It wasn't fair to you, Trixie. That's why I broke it off. That's why I told you I wanted to stop. I didn't, I never wanted anything between us to stop, but it was the only way."

She stops to take a deep breath and she can see Trixie's on the verge of tears.

"Why are you bringing this up again," Trixie whispers, not really like she's asking, but her words still a question.

"Because I need you to know how that completely fucked me up. Because I haven't stopped thinking about you ever since. And because every single one of our friends got tired of me moping and they kindly let me know that the reason I'm like this is because I feel the same way, Trixie."

Trixie's breath catches on her throat and Katya can hear it only due to the quiet of the night. "Don't say that."

Katya squeezes her hands tighter. "Trixie, I would never say something that could hurt you intentionally. I would not be here, telling you this, if I wasn't sure. If it wasn't true. I wouldn't risk it, not again."

"You know I can't do it again. You know it was eating away at me," Trixie says, tears on her voice.

"Be my girlfriend," Katya says immediately, the words falling from her lips easily as she realizes a weight is lifting from her shoulders.

Trixie blinks, one of the formed tears falling from her lashes. She doesn't say anything.

"I mean it. Date me. Be with me. Exclusively. We'll walk around holding hands, we'll go on fancy restaurants and kiss over the table, I'll bring you coffee when you're running from class to rehearsals, we'll stay at each other place’s as our friends make jokes. And we'll argue, maybe, because I guess that's how it goes, but mostly we'll be happy, because I'm never as happy as when I'm with you."

Trixie eyes are wide, Katya doesn't think she's blinked the whole time she was talking.

"I have been in love with you for a long time, Katya." Trixie's still guarded even if her eyes are hopeful and her chest is rising rapidly with her breathing. She's squeezing Katya's hands and Katya takes it as a good sign.

"I know. And I'm sorry I've been an idiot. But I mean it, every word, I _mean it_." Katya's almost crying herself, desperate to cease with the crease on Trixie's forehead and the shadow of doubt in her eyes.

"Say it. You never said it."

Katya gets closer then, and Trixie lets her, their gaze fixed on each other's as Katya's face hover over Trixie's. She parts their hands so she can place all of her fingers on Trixie's face, holding her steady and using the pad of her thumbs on the tear streaks.

"I love you."

It comes out easily, so easily Katya is as surprised as Trixie at the clear sincere words. Trixie's eyes search hers again and Katya is sure that this is it, because if she can't convey her sincerity in that very moment when she feels her heart is out on her sleeve, then she never will.

And then Trixie is kissing her, hungry and fast and desperate and Katya is kissing back just as forcefully because it feels like it's been forever and she can't take another minute apart from Trixie. She straddles her hips and hangs on to her entire body and she just wants to get lost in everything that is Trixie, to go back to their own little world that they always manage to create when they're together.

Trixie doesn't usually like having sex on the couch because it's small and the fabric itches her back, but when Katya makes a small motion of moving to the bed she just pulls her closer and sinks herself down so that they're half laying down, tangled together.

"The dating thing is counting already, right?" Trixie asks in between kisses, her breath already harbored and her movements unsteady. Katya's hand is playing outside of her panties, feeling her wetness and heat and considering whether she wants to get Trixie off like this so she can see her face as she orgasms or if she wants to bury her face between her thighs and taste Trixie as she falls apart.

She does neither, though, stopping her movements at Trixie's question. She's done this before, carried things without proper communication, and she won't let it happen again. Her eyes meet Trixie as she parts their lips and she's delighted to see Trixie's pink cheeks.

"Yes. You're my girlfriend now, and I'm yours. And I love you. And I'm gonna make you feel amazing."

Trixie rubs her thighs together at her words, and it turns Katya on so much she has to do the same. She's so far gone for Trixie. How could she possibly not have _seen_ it before.

Trixie takes Katya's distraction, even if only a second long, to move her hand down and touch her, moving her panties to the side. Katya's head falls onto Trixie's neck as a long moan escapes her lips and her hand goes back to her previous task. She's more than happy to take care of Trixie like this, being able to worship her chest with her lips, cherish her face as it contorts in pleasure, and have Trixie's fingers working her up at the same time.

It's quick and messy and they're both practically fully clothed still, but they can't find it in themselves to part enough to undress. They'll do it later, Katya decides, once they've calmed down and moved to the bed and are no longer desperate after weeks of not knowing whether they'd ever speak with each other again, much less have this. Then Katya will take her time, will kiss every patch of skin she can possibly get her lips on, will get Trixie to murmur and scream her name in ecstasy and she'll cherish that moment but she'll treasure the knowledge that it won't be the last time a lot more.

Right now Katya just wants to get rid of this desperation in the pit of her stomach, of this _need_ and _ache_ for Trixie even though she's right there kissing her neck and working on her clit and taking her to another plane of existence. She works Trixie fast, wants her to come and to clench around her fingers and to whisper her name into her ear or yell it so loudly that the neighbors will complain, really, she doesn't care, just wants Trixie to feel as good as she's feeling right now.

Katya's never cared for a lover like this before. She should've known. She's such an idiot.

Katya murmurs _I love you_ one more time because the realization hits her all over again and she feels so warm at that, she needs Trixie to hear it; and she doesn't know if it's the words that push her over the edge or if she was already there and it was just a coincidence, but Trixie presses the fingers of her free hand to Katya's scalp as she comes murmuring Katya's name against her neck.

And maybe it's Trixie's contracting on her fingers or her hot breath on her neck or just overall Trixie fucking her steadily even as she's coming, but Katya follows her immediately, her face falling down to Trixie's shoulder as she tries to regain control of her body.

"I love you," Trixie murmurs into her hair at some point when their breathing and hearts have calmed down and the only reason they haven't moved is because they feel weirdly comfortable.

Katya smiles and kisses lightly on her collarbone and then it's so quiet in the apartment, so comfortable in each other's arms even if the couch is not nearly enough for both of them and they're sweaty and messy and really should shower, that they fall asleep, easy and together as they have done so many times before, but happier and lighter than in any of them.

***

The following day Trixie is awakened by a loud sound. At first she thinks it's the door, as there's clearly more than one person banging on it. Than she realizes it might be Katya, since she’s rolled over and fallen to the floor in her sleepy scare.

Trixie tries not to laugh, but it's really hard. It's pretty funny with Katya lying on the floor with her dress open, a bad, bad case of bed head and a sleepy scared expression, but mostly Trixie just feels so happy deep down in her chest that it's almost like she has to laugh. She feels like she's in a disney movie.

Maybe she could be the first lesbian princess. Really, it's the dream.

"Stop laughing!" Katya complains from her place on the floor, but even though her eyebrows are furrowed she has a grin that’s getting bigger and bigger on her lips and it takes a hundred percent of Trixie's efforts to not just fall on top of her on the floor and kiss her senseless.

She manages to control her giggles when the knocks on the door continue, but she doesn't move to go get it. Instead she lets an easy smile fall on her lips and touches Katya's hair. "I'm happy you're here."

Katya smiles back, then, all traces of jokes out of her features as she tries to convey her sincerity. She moves up and settles on the couch by Trixie's side, their eyes interlocked. "I'm not going anywhere."

They move to kiss but the door is once again being assaulted and this time they hear someone yelling.

"Trixie, open the door, it's us."

It's Shea who is yelling and she sounds a little worried.

Trixie and Katya exchange a look, but before they can think of moving or doing anything, the knocking and yelling continue.

"It's about Katya!" It's Ginger's voice now and she is definitely worried.

"What have you done?" Trixie asks exasperated but fondly and Katya smiles.

"Nothing! Well, that I know of."

They continue to make noise outside and somehow Trixie actually manages to hear the faint sound of her phone ringing in her bedroom. She gets up and adjusts her clothes then, Katya doing the same as Trixie walks to the door.

"What's wrong with Katya?" She asks through the closed door and suddenly all the noise from the other side stops. She waits.

"We've been calling her since yesterday night and she hasn't been answering and she's not answering her door either and we're worried. I know you guys aren't in the best place now, but we were talking to her yesterday and we're worried we might have set something off." Alaska is the one to answer and it warms Trixie's heart that they're this worried about Katya. She looks over at her girlfriend - her _girlfriend_ , oh wow - and sees she's thinking along the same lines given the soft smile and the light pink on her cheeks.

Then Katya moves past her and unlocks the door, opens it just a little.

"Well, you _did_ set something off."

The girls all gasp and even though Trixie can't see her face, she knows Katya's having a blast.

"You _bitch_." Alaska smacks Katya's bicep. "Oh my god did we interrupt something?"

"Our beauty sleep. Well, mine, Trixie doesn't need beauty sleeps."

Trixie rolls her eyes at her cheesiness and tries to ignore the faint blush on her face. She moves over and opens the door. "Ok, ok, come in, ask your questions, blah-blah-blah."

All of their friends march in and Trixie's actually surprised they all fit in the hall outside her apartment. For at least thirty minutes it's chaos, it's questions everywhere and endless teasing and overall _finallys_ and Trixie might be bothered usually at people discussing her personal life but in reality she is just so happy that none of it seems to matter. Katya's hand is a constant presence, be it on her own hand or on her arms and back and Trixie is extremely grateful for everything, is grateful for their friends really for helping Katya realize what she wanted.

Truth is that Trixie had always sort of hoped that Katya felt the same way and not just due to her own little fantasies but because Katya _acted_ like it. She's so affectionate towards her, so _everything_ that Trixie wanted her to be and it was easy to feed those little feeling inside of her that maybe she wasn't crazy, maybe Katya did have feelings for her as well, maybe one day she'd change her mind about dating and Trixie would be her choice.

And there they are now, with their friends and laughing and for the first time free to do what they want, to hold hands and even kiss a little here and there when everyone else pretends to not be paying attention even though they know they are.

And Trixie is happy, really, for herself and the fact that she finally got the girl she wanted, but she's also happy that Katya has reached this point where she's comfortable admitting her feelings and going after what she wants and deeming herself worth of it.

She tugs at Katya's hand at some point when everyone else finally seems to really be distracted. They've all fallen into their normal selves, scattered around the living room laughing with their friends, as if it's just another of their Saturday evening gatherings even though it's really Saturday morning and neither Trixie or Katya have even had coffee yet. Katya looks at her, a bright smile on her face, and Trixie's not sure where the words come from, but they feel fitting to she sings them in a low tune, just for Katya.

"And I wish you all the love in the world, but most of all I wish it from myself."

Katya smiles big at her, loves that she remembers the first conversation they ever had when Songbird by Fleetwood Mac started playing in the coffee shop and, upon Katya's appreciation, Trixie had replied that she only knew that song from Glee. Katya had gasped in mock horror and they proceeded to discuss their musical tastes, Trixie herself telling her that she actually loves to sing and Katya begging to hear her voice. It's her favorite voice now, and she loves how Trixie's using it now.

Katya's voice is raspy and she can't carry a tune for shit, but still she replies to Trixie in a soft whisper that she'll never forget.

"And I love you, I love you, I love you, like never before."

It's cheesy and cliché and they've probably gathered the attention of their friends again, but they don't really care. Trixie leans in and kisses Katya one more time, her heart fluttering at how easily and unafraid she responds, and she knows that Katya means every word she said the previous night.

" _Like never before_ ," She whispers hastily to Katya's lips as they part.

Somewhere, songbirds are singing.

**Author's Note:**

> I am @[Pichitinha](http://pichitinha.tumblr.com/) on tumblr if you'd like to follow/message me :)


End file.
